Cockroach..

how does it feel killing some thing?

Have u ever thought about how does somebody's feeling when he kills some one? 

Does he feel anything? 

What is it in his mind when he looks at his victim's face when he is dying? 

Jeezee, how come some body could take others life..

This morning, I took some creature's life.. a cockroach! 

Yeah, you might laugh at me reading my story and think that this is ridiculous or a fool. That's okay! 

Well, I know it is only a cockroach, a disgusting-creature that usually crawling from our bathroom or such a dirty corner. I know that it is only a creature that we always trying to chase it away from our house. But, this morning I just realize that it is also a living thing that has a life!

It came out from somewhere when I took a bath and scarry me. Yeah, I scared everytime I see it. This happened because of a traumatic experience when I was a kid. When I was a 10 years old, some of my room mate (when I stay in a boarding house) was making a foolish joke. 

They put many cockroach in my locker. I didnt know they did it. And when I opened my locker, they all sudden flew away from it and some of them hit me directly on my face. Could you ever think how does it feel when the serrated-stiky-leg jump into your face?? well, that was exactly what I feel. 

I was shocked and screaming anxiously. And since after, I always scared about the cockroach. 

I was so scared so I took a carbolic --I usually put it in the bath room-- and spill it over.

It offcourse ran away and try to hide. But it can't run so far bcos a second later it was suddenly upside down and it's leg up raising in the air death-struggling. Quite long enough before finally freeze.. 

That cockroach is death! 

It happened only in seconds, but I didnt miss anything. I saw it death right before my eyes. And the way it dye, when it death-struggling with the leg up raise in the air make me feel so terrible. 

I felt so guilty for taking it life. I was thinking about how does it feel when it dye. 

God, I hope He forgive me for taking His creature life without permission. I shouldn't do it. I should have chased it away without killing it.

And a minute later, I was looking at the ant in a different way.. However, they deserve to live beside us, human. I still feel very bad.

Now I wonder what does somebody's feeling when he kills some one? Hhh...

Reuni

(Left-Right: Rina, Asih, Ichen and Ichen's husband)

Reun1 @ Tamani Cafe, Bintaro Plaza, Jaksel, 26 Nov 2005, 16.30wib.

Bertemu teman lama, apalagi teman sekelas waktu SMA pasti selalu menyenangkan. Sesaat kita seakan terbawa kembali ke masa-masa ketika kita masih remaja. Waktu seperti tidak berarti, karena ketika melihat wajah-wajah mereka, rasanya tidak ada yang berubah. Sepertinya baru kemarin kita sekelas. Saling bercanda, ejek-ejekan, kik-kik-an, gank-gank-an.. Tanpa terasa sudah 16 tahun itu semua kita tinggalkan.

Dan, hari ini semua kejadian-kejadian itu menjadi sesuatu yang manis untuk diingat-ingat. Semua sepertinya berubah menjadi sesuatu yang lucu ketika kita bicarakan kembali. Sepertinya tak ada lagi perbedaan dan pengkotak-kotakan diantara kita. Semua lebur jadi satu..

(Left-Right) Asih, Ichen + Husband, Rina, Wardi, Ilyas, Kartono and Me...

Dan reuni ini memang menjadi suatu yang berharga. Betapa tidak? Karena untuk mengumpulkan 7 orang seperti yang terjadi di Tamani Cafe, Bintaro Plaza, tanggal 26 November 2005 itu saja, susahnya bukan main. Karena kesibukan masing-masing, maka mencari kesamaan waktu, itulah satu alasan yang membuat kita sulit untuk berkumpul saat ini. Jadi, ketika kita cuma bisa berkumpul 7 orang, well, not bad lah.. Not bad at all.

The Journey to Lembang

(Right to Left: Me, Iman, Aunty, Dahlan and Yayan)

Road to village..

It may be a bit strange, but that is true. We are 8 brothers n sisters consists of 4 girls and 4 boys. The oldest is girl n the second one is boy. The next is girl and me is number 4. The 5th is girl again, then boy.. another girl and the last one is boy.. It's very rare, isn't it? Girl-Boy-Girl-Boy (me)-Girl-Boy-Girl-Boy.. we are all 8 brothers and sisters.

It is strange that we all, the boys, have never had any chance to go along together. Same time, same place. And last Saturday, was the first time for us going together in one vehicle. I didnt know what was in their mind, but what I felt is, I was so sad to realize that after all these time, all these years, we just have a chance to go together on that day. 

Where were we? 

I guess, we've been struggling so hard in life, one to each other, so that  rarely  have a chance to spend our time together, for travellling. God, it feels so good. I feel warm among them. Share laugh. Eye hunting for a nice good looking girl, well, as a boy in common.. 

Feels so great! We've been just like a friends..

I hope we could have chance like this more often.. 

I hope all of our brothers have the same feeling about me, that we are all always connected eventough we are separated b'cos of our effort to struggle.. 

Nothing is matter but brotherhood! 

Nothing is matter but family!

I guess our dady is having a big smile way up there!!!

Yayan, Iman and Dahlan (left-right)

A Short Note to No Body (4)

To whom I used to call... blue sky

Eventually, I have to end up in the land of emptyness, fall into a loneliness where the only thing I have is an oasis in which I can lay down myself and feel the peacefull mind.

Nothing to feel sorry about, though I walked away from your room and miss all your beautiful sparkling and glistering eyes. If so, it is gonna be that I feel sorry for hurting you, if you feel so. 

I did it bcos I can't make my word as simple as the way it should be so you don't feel hurt. I just didn't know how to say it in different way.. that our journey has come to the end. The end of our togetherness.

togethernesss???

As a matter of fact, our 'togetherness' is one thing that bothering me as it is actually never happened in reality. It does exist only in our tricky mind. We both know that we could never be together. Ever. 

So, here I am, dancing in the loneliness with your shadow. You know it for sure, that everytime I loose you, then everything is gone. Everything is dissappear, leaving me down here.. Only me and my trembling soul. Yet, I'm gonna face it all. B'cos it is worth with my desire, to get to know the meaning of faithfullness.

So be it. I'm gonna walk away from our horizon and stare on your blue sky day and night. For our goodsake, for the rest of our life.


(Nov 2005)

Jika Memilikimu Berarti Akhir Buat Kita

jika memilikimu berarti akhir buat kita

maka biarkan rindu menggantikan 

semua keinginan yang pernah ada

jika memelukmu cuma meninggalkan luka

maka biarkan kututup mata dan 

menghadirkanmu dalam khayal semata

jika kau aku bahagia bersentuhan dalam rasa

maka biarkan rasa menjadi raja

dan membebaskan kita dari keinginan sia-sia


(Nov 2005)

Penjaga Bintang

Yang (tak) terlupakan...

Aku masih tetap sama, menatapi langit dan memetakan rindu pada bintang dan rembulan yang rapi beredar pada lintasannya, dari hari ke hari, waktu ke waktu. Seperti semesta engkau yang tak pernah hilang, tak pernah jemu aku mengingatmu.

Tapi kerlap kerlipnya makin malas bicara dan tak lagi menebarkan cerita-cerita tentang bagaimana kelak kulumat sadarku dan menaburkan kau dalam mimpi yang sempurna, agar kita kembali bersonata.

Entahlah, aku mungkin tak akan pernah berhenti menyulamkan kenangan dan bayang tentangmu di bidang jauh tak terjangkau angan. Meski kita tak lagi bicara, meski kita tak lagi menyapa.

Aku tak pernah jemu menjaganya!


____
Nov, 2005

Tatap Matamu...

yang paling aku suka darimu adalah ketika aku menatap dalam pada kedua bola matamu. kamu memiliki keindahan di matamu. dan ketika aku menatap kedua matamu lekat-lekat, selalu saja itu membuat sesuatu yang ada dalam jiwaku tumbuh subur. tiap kali menatapmu, cinta makin bergelora. betapa nikmatnya menikmati wajahmu yang selalu saja berakhir dengan kau memalingkan muka dan meninggalkan sebidang pipi yang semburat memerah. membuatku selalu tak sadarkan diri dan mendaratkan sebuah kecupan di pipimu.

sesungguhnya aku tak sekuat apa yang kau duga ketika kita bertatapan mata. andai kau mampu mendengarkan apa yang berkecamuk di dadaku, pasti kau akan tertawa mendengarkan gemuruh di dadaku yang bahkan lebih riuh dari deru laju kereta api. menatap wajahmu lekat di kedua bola matamu yang tajam berbinar, sesungguhnya aku membutuhkan keberanian dan keteguhan ekstra agar aku tak berakhir dengan menundukkan muka.

hmm, rasanya seperti terlepas dari kehidupan dunia dan segala pernak-perniknya yang selalu saja menyusahkan, tiap kali kita bertatapan mata. aku larut, tenggelam dalam arus di hatimu yang begitu kurindui untuk senantiasa kuselami. andai aku bisa membawamu tenggelam dalam jiwaku, mungkin akan kau lihat jauh di kedalaman hatiku, kau menempati singgasananya dengan megah. tak tergantikan. berpayung kerinduan. dan aku tak pernah kehilangan keinginan untuk mengetahui kedalaman hatimu, adakah aku menetap disana?

ah, tatapanmu selalu saja menyihirku untuk bergerak maju dan wajah mendekat. bertukar desah nafas, seperti ingin selalu saling menghidupi.

Writing

Some one once told me that I could be a writer some day. Hm, I wonder if I can.

But I do love to write. I just cant write so many idea in one complete story. I cant deliver the message that I excatly want to express.

So, I think I'd better star it with poetry, bcos I love to write some.. I hope all the poems that I wrote are good enough for you to read and enjoy it.


___
Nov, 2005

Let's Talk About Soul Mate

Today, I just passing by Kemang, jakarta selatan. I saw a big screen standing by.. poster film barunya Dian Sastro (God, gue nggak pernah bosen liat this lovely girl.. She remind me of some one. ups!!!).. The tittle is -kalo gak salah- the Soulmate.

Hmm...

Bbrp hari ini kayaknya gue banyak banget baca2 soal issue ini.. yang pertama dari blognya Tiara Lestari , yang berikutnya di majalah bokin (yg iseng2 gue baca.. hehehehe, sekedar biar tahu keinginan wanita itu apa, sii?).. trus postingan di salah satu situs tempat gaul.. and bbrp lagi di kompas.

Hehehe, kayaknya soal soul mate ini emang dalem banget, ya.. Enak aja buat dibahas.

Btw, kemarin dulu gue sempet ragu-ragu siapa sebenarnya seseorang yang bisa gue bilang my soulmate. Is she the one that always in my mind since i was high school and still exist till now (padahal she'd already became some body's wife with 2 kids).. and this have been last for about 15 years!!! Could you imagine that? 15 tahun, jack! Yup, 15 tahun dan gue masih nggak bisa ngelupain my 'first love'.

Atau seseorang yang juga begitu kuat ada dalam pikiran gue dan selalu mengingatkan gue ke dia tiap gue secara gak sengaja melihat sesuatu that is related to her or lewat jalan2 yang dulu selalu aja bikin gue merasa dekat sama dia in spirit. Some one yang selalu aja ngingetin gue to be a good husband.. Sesuatu yang bikin gue jadi konflik batin.. lha, gimana nggak? If I have to be a good man, that mean I have to forget her for good. Sesuatu yang gue masih berusaha sampe skarang..

Atau, yeah, bukan siapa2 kecuali some one with whom I spend my entire life with. Jujur aja, kadang gue nggak bisa menghindar dari kenyataan ini bhw gue memiliki orang lain, at least in my mind, selain my beloved wife. Tapi semakin gue berusaha meyakini bahwa dia memang bukan my soul mate, gue semakin sadar bahwa she is uncomparable. Dan itu cukup menjawab ke-nggak yakinan gue selama ini, bahwa gue emang salah! Salah!!!

Bbrp malam lalu I tried to take a deep look at her face while she was laying-sleeping in my arm. She fall to sleep tide like a baby. I found so peacefull face, closing eyes with the lips that I've been kissing for thousand times and uncountable.

All sudden I cried at heart remembering all those evil things that I've done thru our entire marriage life. Infact there's nothing bothering us. Nothing wrong with her.. She is a girl with an angel heart. Today she still the one that I met at the very first sight in 1993. Never had changed with her, not even her feeling towards me. God, I knew I am right about this.. her feeling about me that is always grow. I am the first man for her, her first love.. Never had changed until today.

God, it is so sad to realize that I am her truly soul mate but I'm still wondering who is mine..

I love you so much and even more... I know for sure that you're always be my soul mate, Minarni.

Buntu lagi...

Kata orang gue nggak konsisten.. Tadinya gue pikir apanya yang bikin dia bilang gue nggak konsisten. Eeh, ternyata membaca bbrp postingan di blog gue ini gue sadar sendiri.. Ternyata gue emang nggak konsisten :D:D:D

Kadang-kadang, kalo gue lagi mood, maka gue lebih suka memakai gaya bahasa yang sedikit etis dan tidak ber'gue-gue' kayak sekarang ini. Gue cenderung pake aku.. (Hmm, pake saya pernah, gak ya???) Ah, nggak tahu, deh! Kayak sekarang ini, gue lagi nggak mood banget. Enak2 gue aja, deh! Hehehe...

Iya, nih! Udah bbrp hari ini gue nggak produktip banget.. nggak tahu mo nulis apa selain copy-paste bbrp puisi or coretan2 yg pernah gue buat. Nggak tahu, deh, kenapa gue gini banget. Padahal di dalam pikiran gue penuh berkecamuk hal-hal yang seharusnya bisa gue jadiin bahan buat ngisi blog gue ini..

Hm, dari pada blog ini cuma bengong dari hari ke hari, mending kesulitan yg gue alami ini aja gue sampein. Siapa tahu bisa memancing ide-ide supaya bisa masuk ke kepala gue dan mengalir lewat jari-jari gue memenuhi blog ini.

Apa ya... O, ya. Gue inget. Tadi pagi on the way to the office, gue mikir soal ibadah. Beberapa hari ini gue terseret ke dalam rasa malas yang amat sangat (duileee... bahasa, tuh!!!). Tapi tiba-tiba aja gue sadar cara berpikir gue selama ini (at least selama bbrp hari ini).. Kayaknya gue lebih sering menghitung-hitung berapa banyak kekurangan yang ada pada gue dan apa2 yang belum bisa gue dapetin, ketimbang menghitung kelebihan dan apa2 yang udah gue punya.. lalu mensyukurinya. Mensyukuri segala pemberian Tuhan, Allah ta'aala..

Barangkali perasaan nggak mood gue ini juga krn gue cenderung kepikiran soal hal2 yang nggak gue dapet, kesulitan2 yang gue hadapi, masalah2 yang menunggu untuk gue selesaiin.. sehingga gue lupa untuk bersyukur. Lupa mensyukuri nikmat dan karunia yang udah gue dapet.. Masih memiliki kerjaan yang lumayan, istri yang sangat mengasihi gue, anak2 yg cakep2 dan lucu, nyokap yang masih bisa gue ajak ngobrol (meskipun terus terang aja makin tua tapi makin cerewet dan sulit dimengerti.. hehehe, barangkali ini ujian buat gue, ngkali!), mertua perempuan yg juga super buaeeeekk, sodara2 dan ponakan yang sayang banget ma gue.. Lupa bersyukur selama ini kesehatan gue bagus.

Sudah seharusnya esensi ibadah gue itu dalam rangka gue bersyukur karena karunia itu semua. So gue nggak ada alasan untuk malas2an lagi beribadah. Dan barangkali gue harus sampai pada pemikiran bhw intisari dari hidup ini adalah mengisi hidup ini dengan hal-hal yang positif yang semuanya bermuara pada apa yang gue lebih suka menyebutnya.. ibadah kepada sang Pencipta.

Terima kasih ya Tuhan, gue nggak bete lagi :)))


___
Nov, 2005